I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full [R-word censored by jobs] to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

Foundations of Humanity 27 (New Horizons) - an NoP fanfic
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Thank you u/SpacePaladin15 for establishing the Nature of Predators Universe, and for allowing Fanfics to flourish!Thank you again, u/Braquen, u/Acceptable_Egg5560, u/BiasMushroom721, and last but not least u/Liberty-Prime76 for proofreading! Also, thank you u/Frostborne for your blessing on my Gojid City name! This is my side of the Nature of a Giant crossover)!
Also Star Tours is a Disney copyright which I use in good faith and humor under fair use please don’t hurt me capitalist mouse daddy.
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Memory transcription subject: Valek, Venlil tourist
Date [standardized human time]: Sept 11th, 2136. Middle of 3rd Claw
I watched Maeve find an open station and investigate the helmet while I asked, “Do Humans have Visor arcades?”
“Oh, absolutely! There’s an entire League for VR!” Maeve awkwardly slipped into the seat and found the controls; after a moment the seat started to adjust itself to size, the sudden movement causing Maeve to jump.
Alvi spoke up beside me, “Maeve has a book that talks about it. It talked about headsets and digital worlds like what we have, over a hundred years ago!”
“A hundred years ago?” I couldn’t help but be skeptical. “Are you really saying that our tech is a hundred years behind yours with VR?”
“Eh, not exactly,” Maeve tilted her head as she thought, “with things like visors, there was an upper limit to how to design them. Most of the innovations were on how realistic the visors could make the media. We got video down pretty quickly, and surround-sound was pretty much figured out by then. We experimented with scent and that did not go well. Really most of the progress has been in processing, and you guys still have us beat on that!”
She picked up the viewing device. There were three kinds of stations with different sized helmets for each. The first she investigated were Dossur to Zurulian sized, but it only took a moment to find a Sivkit to Gojid size. “Looks like these could fit me. Can you two wait long enough to see if this works with humans?”
I flicked my ears in amusement and posed myself overdramatically. “I’m sure that I, your poor starving mate, can continue starving while you enjoy yourself.” I giggled while Alvi slapped me with her tail. “Go on, have fun! I’m also curious to see if the program would work with your eyes.”
With a look around to ensure no one was watching, Maeve switched her veil for the helmet, after only a few moments of effort. The collar thickness was adjustable to help the foam complete a clean seal against the jaw. I touched my pre-paid band to the tap pad, and the machine shifted colors to show it was occupied. The helmet was designed for snouted species, and so hung somewhat past Maeve’s chin, allowing us to see light reflected off her skin.
A screen beside her lit up with the mask, and we could see what she saw while she played. Alvi and I walked her through the tutorial and calibrator, and Maeve chose Jewels of the Federation at my suggestion; a simple walking simulator showcasing highlights of Federation homeworlds.
The simulator starts us in the same arcade, in the same booth! A well-groomed Venlil stands beside her and reminds Maeve of her private tour. Maeve ‘walks’ while still seated and lifts her virtual self from the digital booth, following the guide to a launch pad that didn’t previously exist. Alvi and I stopped in shock for a moment when a noticeably younger Captain Sovlin walked down the gangway of our destination shuttle; though judging by Maeve’s lack of reaction, she seemed not to recognize him; Alvi met my eye and pointedly flicked her ears. The simulated Gojid pilot wags their ears genially as they throw their arms wide in welcome.
“Good waking, citizen of the Federation! Star Tours has invited me to escort you on an introduction to the astounding marvels of our great peoples! Every species has made wondrous contributions to the enlightenment of the Federation, but the strayu is in the oven, so we’ll only get the time to visit your own Venlil Prime, The Cradle, and Nishtal today. Follow me and we can begin!”
Maeve followed Sovlin into the cockpit of the stylized shuttle and took the copilot seat; Maeve’s head was on a swivel and she took in everything around her. “Wow, this is so cool! Your whole helmet is a screen! Our VR is only in front of our eyes, tricking our brains into seeing three dimensionally.” Her voice echoed around the helmet, muffling her words before they could reach us..
The shuttle lifted gently and Maeve’s chair tilted back with it. Coming up, we could see that this arcade was in the Capitol, and they did a flying pass to show its glass spires and bustling spaceport. Sovlin spoke up beside Maeve, “The Venlil Homeworld is in a strategic position within the Federation, and you make your people proud by fulfilling your duty to the Herd; in spite of your weakness and timidity!!”
The shuttle started to pitch to the open center of the city, and a large park came into view. “But, as I-” Sovlin’s voice caught in his throat, before he cleared it and spoke with firm authority, “As we all know: Duty sometimes comes with Sacrifice. And we honor and remember that… sacrifice with the beautiful Cattle Memorial!”
The vines of Morning Light catch the sun, and I feel my ears fall as I remember my own family’s sacrifices. Alvi caught my distress, and curled her tail around me as the simulation continued, “Here we remember the lives lost from the ruthless barbarity of the Greys. We hope that this Shining Beacon may guide their bodies and souls back to the Herd.” The shuttle kept flying straight toward the ground, but the shuttle surroundings started to disappear as Sovlin and Maeve joined the mourners and wellwishers. The breeze played gently with unopened letters and fresh bouquets. Sovlin spoke softly, in respect for visitors, “It is open all claws, and many leave their remembrances. Make sure to show your support, next time you’re in the Capitol.”
After several moments of contemplative silence, the shuttle pulled up into the upper atmosphere, and Maeve’s seat began to shudder. I spoke up a little louder so she could hear me through the helmet, “Set your head back. The next part might make you a little queasy.”
Maeve did as bidden just before Sovlin hit the warp jump, and the screen was awash with a rainbow of colors streaking to the outer border.
We fall out of Warp just above The Cradle, its capital continent in view surrounded by great oceans, while other landmasses curve around the planet and out of sight. The camera quickly descends through the atmosphere and we pull into the great city of Vala’s Embrace, with its shining spires and sprawling seaports. We fly down through the airspace busy with cargo freighters and I see Maeve involuntary flinch after a close miss. “The Gojid are a proud and fierce people, but also industrious! Our Cradle and Colonies are a major food source for the rest of the Federation, in addition to the significant extractions performed by our colonies and outposts.”
The camera flies into the center of the city where stands a grand Cathedral to the Protector, Her robed form guiding believers to the grand entryway. “But my People are renowned for our stalwart loyalty to our faith and to the Federation. Our great houses of worship are monuments of our devotion to protecting the Herd from the Predator Menace!”
After a pass around the building highlighting its traditional stonework and heraldry, the camera joins the throng of worshippers, coming in low like a child beside their parent, and we see the full glory of The Church.
Our view pans up from the crowd to a ceiling decorated with murals of inlaid wood and metals. Vibrant colors, textures, and shining light tell the story of Vala driving out the Predators and forming the first Herd. Stained glass windows cover the congregation in pools of color almost as varied as the congregants themselves. A silver Gojid passes from behind us, towering tall with the kind eyes of one who knows their faith, and is safe in its love. They lay a paw on Maeve’s shoulder and guide her to a bench only a few rows from the front, with a seat on the aisle. The Priest stands before their podium and begins a sermon of service to the Herd, and one’s role within it.
The priest’s voice fades into the background as we fly backward out of an open window like a bird; words of Predators at our doorstep fading on the wind. We rise to re-exit the atmosphere, Maeve’s chair buzzing as the hyperdrive spins up.
We warp into a field of defensive space stations, glittering proudly in the Nishtalian Sun. Below, we see a planet with a great many islands, webbed with weaving waterways and small seas. Maeve pressed herself further into the seat as we entered their thicker atmosphere, the seat vibrations causing the helmet to rattle against it.
“And here we have the vibrant marshes of Nishtal!” We broke through the clouds to see massive arbors climbing back into them. We approached the Nishtal Capital sprawled across dozens of kilometers of archipelago, held above the water by meta-material supports.
“Nishtal is well known for its punishing environments, which helped to mold the Krakotl into Pan-Galactic Heroes! From Captain Kalsim, to Merchant Captain Malins, to Chief Exterminator Estela. Each renowned for holding the line against the predator taint, through fire or rail! And this is where their mettle was tested!”
The shuttle flies around a flat paved area, surrounded by landing pads as warships lift and land. In the center was a platoon of Krakotl performing training exercises. The shuttle again falls away as we start walking behind a Commander, Sovlin walking beside him as he speaks over his shoulder, “The Krakotl have been an instrumental force in maintaining our peaceful way of life. If you think you have what it takes, be sure to register for the JEOTC so you can help make the galaxy a better place!”
Sovlin met the eye of the Krakotl commander beside him, “Thank you for your service, Sir.”
We split off from the commander, and our walking transitioned back to our shuttle before firing off back into the sky.Through the vibrating chair, Maeve stuttered out, “M-M-Man Y-You-u-u Guys-z-z-z’re R-R-Real-l-ly into this-s-s W-W-War, huh??”
Suddenly the chair threw Maeve forward, almost unseating her as she suddenly fell out of warp, “We have Grey contacts! Time to turn tail and get out of here! I’ll stay on the guns and when I say Go, you push that throttle as hard as you can! OK…!” A Metallic handle started to glow in front of her, and Maeve reached out with her controller to grab it. It took her a moment, but Sovlin never gave the signal… Until she grabbed on. “GO!” Maeve rocked her body forward and slammed the throttle to its limiter, the seat beneath her rumbling with renewed vigor.
After only a moment, a Kolshian Capital Ship dropped from subspace in front of us and fired a volley of Everything in the direction behind us. Our ship slowed and Sovlin cheered from the pilot’s chair, “HaHa! The Vanguard has arrived! Thank you for your help gentlemen!”
A portrait feed popped up on and above the control panel, showing General Kalsim’s distinct banding on his beak. “This is General Kalsim, Commander of the Federation Vessel Inatala’s Will. Star tours, have you suffered any damage?” The portrait squawked as the General’s feathers puffed with pride.
“Negative General, thank you for the save!”
“Understood, let’s get you home, Star Tours.”
“We would be very grateful, General! Protector guides you.”
The chair beneath Maeve vibrates and tilts back as the hyper-drive charges up again, the screen flashing to show the sprawling oceans of Aafa, glittering brilliantly in the shining sun, dotted by its giant floating cities and lush tropical islands. A flock of broad chirping seabirds adorned with vibrant colors gliding on the calm ocean breeze flanking the shuttle. The capital of Aafa grew on the viewscreen, the sprawling Governance Center of the Federation dominating the city, swooping lines and a singular towering dome marked the chambers of the Federation senate.
“Isn’t that a beautiful view? This is what we fight for, this is the Cradle of the Federation, the very heart of our enlightened civilization. This is what we protect.”
The camera pans low, the shuttle falling away, sweeping along the streets of the capital.
The dome grew ever larger in the background until the camera began to soar over busy diplomats entering the senate floor, the camera like a very lost Flowerbird. Chief Nikonus was delivering an impassioned speech to the gathered representatives, declaring the grand aims and lofty goals of the Federation to spread peace and safety to all Prey peoples. The camera panned around the room, showing representatives listening to the speech with focused ears and attentive eyes, pausing on the Venlil Representative, swaying their tail in pride and determination. As the camera finished its rotation it exited through the rooms wide glass panes, rising up and over the city as the shuttle reformed once again, breaching through the atmosphere and up into the stars.
Maeve’s seat rumbled as the hyperdrive spooled again, the screen clearing to show the Capital of Venlil Prime once more, soaring down to the arcade the adventure had started in. Captain Sovlin’s voice echoed from the speakers.
“Thank you for joining me today on Star Tours! Be sure to visit your nearest Federation recruitment center today and do your part!”
With fading fanfare, the seat returned to a neutral position and Maeve took off her helmet to meet our eyes. “That… was definitely a thing. It had a lot of… uh… ho boy.”
“Yeah, uh.” I shifted my weight awkwardly, “Watching that as an adult is… Stars, I remember wanting so badly to sign up. But my mom stopped me.”
“I’ll have to thank her when we get home.” Alvi sighed with exaggerated relief.
“You and me, both.” Maeve said through a relieved chuckle, “You guys want a turn? I’d like to do something more chill; cleanse the palate.”
Alvi and I politely declined, before I offered, “Actually I wanted to show you something. I don’t know how you guys have fun, but Shipper is really good.”
I guided Maeve to the catalog and pointed out the correct one. As the game started up and Maeve got the ship moving, she snorted and muttered to herself, “Of course you have Trucking Simulator In Space. Why am I even surprised.”
---
Maeve was making great progress, and had made two deliveries before the low fuel warning began trilling at her.
“Nah, see, you gotta watch your fuel too! The more you haul the more fuel you use, and you still gotta make it to your drop-off.”
“Wow, you guys do not mess around with these work simulators. We actually had a whole era of these a wh- Hey!”The screen locked up, telling us our 30 minutes were up.
“W-What does it say?”
“It says it's time to stop and get some food!”
“Ahh, man I was just getting the hang of it.”
“And I would like to get a hang of some Mel Root wedges. Come on!” Alvi chimed with a playful whine.Maeve rolled out of the station, and after a moment for her legs to remember what walking was, donned her veil and we continued to the food court. Pushing the doors open we saw a veritable swarm of Venlil of all ages, though many of the younger were already sitting while their parents fetched their meal. A child near the door caught sight of us and squeaked in surprise, alerting their parents to our presence.
Conversation died like a wave across the open expanse. Maeve stood stock still, and so did we, trying very very hard to avoid a panic and stampede.
I spoke in barely a whisper, “Maeve?”
She returned my quietness, “Yes, Valek?”
“I don’t want to do this to you, but I think it is best if we find a seat first… Then Alvi or I can get the food.” My tail began to sway in slow caution while my ears kept on a swivel.
“Yeah. Yeah, I think you’re right. Can you see any open tables?”Alvi flicked her tail at the balcony, “I see stairs there, and the balcony looks pretty clear.”
Maeve started to nod reflexively before catching herself, then back to keeping her head low and unfocused.
Alvi and I guided her gently around the outer perimeter of the court, slowly working our way to the stairwell while all eyes and ears were locked on us the whole journey. We stepped up the stairs and conversation slowly built up again, though not to the same exuberancy as before. We found our seat just outside the stairwell on the 2nd floor. We tried to avoid scaring what few families remained on the balcony, but despite our efforts, those few almost immediately grabbed their belongings and moved. It was almost comical how little they tried to hide it. Yet also surprising in that there hadn’t been any screams or stampeding. It left a strange feeling in the air. One that felt somehow both better and worse than if they had screamed.
This tension was not lost on Maeve, as she muttered to herself, “Plague bearer, or horrific monster. Decisions, decisions.”
I took her hand in my paw in a feeble attempt to offer what comfort I could. Alvi was the first to speak, “Well, Valek you got the Gravity room and Visor game, so I’ll handle food. Anything the two of you desperately want?”
We gave her our orders and she stepped down the stairs, leaving Maeve and I alone on the balcony.
I hoped to loosen the tangle of this horrid tension. “Sooo…. Biblical?”
As I had hoped, the sudden change snapped Maeve out of her stormcloud and laughter bubbled from her like the Sun! “UUh… That’s uh. Complicated. There’s a good thousand years of linguistic context that makes that word mean what it meant the way I used it. The Bible is a book of faith for a significant portion of people on earth. Not all, and not even a majority; hell, even that is fragmented because no one can agree on what it really means. This Bible teaches a great many things, some good some bad, but one of its teachings is how to… legitimize relationships. Get married, basically.”
Maeve leaned closer to me on the off chance the balcony was less empty than we believed, “And one of the more serious ways to officiate these pairings was with sex; or ‘mating’. As this faith quickly became one of the more influential faiths on our planet, most of humanity learned and still has complicated feelings about sex and intimacy. So, we talk around it. ‘Sleeping together’ ‘Do the nasty’ ‘The beast with two backs’ and more to the point: ‘To know someone biblically’.”
“So when you said…”“I was saying I had sex with one of you, yes.”
I focused my ears in feigned shock, while my tail swished with mischief, “I was that one, right?”
Maeve lightly shoved my shoulder while she straightened to her normal posture, but I stayed low. “Hey,” I whispered, nodding my head for Maeve to come closer, and she did so. I reached my paws up to her white veil, and brought it up and over her face, revealing her brightly blooming face which my lips eagerly met. Pulling away, I asked, “Perhaps once we get back to the hotel, we could… know each other biblically?”
She pulled my face back to hers, returning my affections with equal vigor, “Only if we can get Alvi out of the room. I want you all to myself.”
Alvi. Right. She’s… she’s here. Staying with us. And we would be… kicking her out. The one she admitted feeling for would be kicking her out to mate with someone else. But she understands! Right?
“Oh, looks like Alvi got us some food!”
My ears snapped behind me as Maeve looked over my shoulder.
---
Memory transcription subject: Alvi, Venlil tourist
Date [standardized human time]: Sept 11th, 2136. Middle of 3rd Claw
I stepped lightly up the stairs while balancing the trays within my arms. There were so many options! Cresting the top of the stairs, Valek stood to assist. While I covered the menu.“Ok we got all of our favorite fruit, I know how much you love starberries, Maeve.” Who smiled broadly under her now-open veil. “I was able to get us some Sunbreeze, but most of the food stands had long waits and I was hungry, so I just got a plate of fried veg and called it good. This one is the fried Deeproot, and powdered lakeseed dough balls, and some mel root wedges. The arcade’s mel root is a little heavy on the firefruit.”
“Thank you, Alvi!” Maeve picked up one of the larger wedges and broke it in half with me. We lifted our pieces in celebration and bit down at the same time. Immediately my mouth was alight with bright heat and my lips stung blissfully, but after only a moment the sweet and full flavor of the mel root complimented perfectly with the cleansing fire.
Maeve beside me scrunched her face and gasped, “Whoo!” She hooted, “That is spicy! Mm! That potato is really good though. What do you call this?”
I wagged my tail, happy to see that she appreciated the- wait. “Potato? That’s Mel Root. What’s a Potato?”
Maeve licked her fingers before taking another wedge, “It’s a root tuber; a staple food from earth. Mel root, or, well, cooked mel root, has a really similar consistency to potato! Makes sense since they’re both roots.” She took a bite of her wedge and immediately made that same face, “Ooo that was a mistake, I should have finished talking.” a few quick breaths through her mouth before she continued, “Your mel root is denser, closer to a carrot, but still really starchy. The fry really brings out a lot of sweetness; I’ll admit, it goes really well with the firefruit. Good choice Alvi!”
The praise set my tail to wagging as I bit into my food. So spicy! So good! I am so glad we came to this food court!
Speaking of, “I haven’t seen Tarlim or his human. I hope they haven’t changed their minds on meeting here.” I spoke through a masticated root.
“Wouldn’t blame them if they did,” Valek grumbled, tail curling between his legs, “I was just like everyone who’s been running from us…” He trailed off sinking into his chair.
“You could have handled it better, but so could he.” I sighed, remembering that chair. “From what I’ve heard of those places though, I can’t say I blame him.”
Maeve set down a piece of deeproot and looked at Valek. “What are those places? You guys got really scared when he said he got out of one.”
Valek was the first to speak, “They are places where we put people who are a danger to themselves or the Herd; people with Predator Disease.”
My fur flared at the mention of my almost-diagnosis. Maeve noticed and flattened the fur along my spine, “You’re not a predator Alvi. There is nothing wrong with you.”
She says while you continue stuffing your face like a hun--SHUT UP!! I AM NOT!! I AM LOVED!! I AM IN A HERD! THAT KNOWS AND STAYS! SHUT UP!
Maeve watched Valek while she continued to comfort me “And… how does one get predator disease?”
Valek continued his lesson, while I tried desperately to slow my spinning mind.
“Well… the federation tells us it can be spread by ‘predator taint’, or spending too much time around or with predators. I’m… I’m not sure I believe that. But we know it can be inherent. Sometimes symptoms begin as early as an infant. As well, it can appear randomly or be carried within family lines.”“And how does one get diagnosed?”
I thought about when my teacher first called the Exterminators. I remembered the Exterminators coming to my foster family. They talked them down, but it wasn’t long after that that they ‘couldn't take care of me’.
My voice left my mouth unbidden, “Well those born with it… they tend to get diagnosed early, but sometimes Predator Disease can come out later in life. If someone is reported for Predator Behavior, they have a chance to argue their case to the exterminator on duty. If the exterminator confirms the case, they are taken in to be diagnosed. And if it’s a yes, they are taken to a Correctional Facility to be taught how to be in a herd.”
Valek tapped his claws against the table as his tail shook with desperate hope. “See? There’s several checks on the way to a diagnosis. The system is designed to avoid false positives. If Tarlim was diagnosed, I am sure it was with good cause.”
Maeve shook her head, “I’m not so sure. By my count, there were only two people in that chain, three if you count the person reporting it, and at best only one of them was a medical professional, unless I’m misunderstanding the concept of exterminators. Setting that aside, I think I’m missing something. What is Predator Disease?”
“It’s when someone is a Predator in the body of a Prey. We can see them when they don’t work within a herd, or they don't understand our tail signals. These people are a danger to the herd, both passively and, if left unchecked, directly, so we try to teach them how to be Prey.” Valek looked desperately at Maeve after spouting the information, almost as if by rote. Like he was quoting an exterminator textbook.
“Wait, wait… so it’s a behavioral disease? They can’t grasp body language, or other people’s feelings?” Maeve was appearing more confused, more… afraid. Was predator disease so terrible among humans? Then why would she want me around?
Because she doesn’t know, stupid! But she's about to! They never stick around once they find out!
Valek was adamant. Maeve needed to know this, I know she did. “It’s not just that, they can’t even get themselves to be part of a herd! They always sit or move with nobody around them!” but once she did…
“Well then. What would that make me?”
My eyes froze in their sockets and my legs refused to flee.
The Night called us.
First -- Previous -- Next

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

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PITCH
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CATCH
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Twitter @Consistent143

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GPac	Remote w/in 2 hours - Commercial Auto Claims Adjuster	Glen Burnie
Guideline Health Care	Mental Health Therapist or Counselor - Remote	Severn
Greenman-Pedersen Inc.	Construction Inspector (Remote Site Locations)	Newburgh
GPac	Bar Code Sales Representative (REMOTE)	Grove City
Siemens	PLM Solution Architect - Teamcenter FULLY REMOTE	Milford
Siemens Digital Industries Software	Capital Product Architect - Remote	Milford
Siemens	Commercial Lending Risk Credit Analyst (Remote)	Malvern
Advantage xPO	Payroll Manager (Hybrid-Remote)	New Kensington
Physical Rehabilitation Network	Medical Call Center Rep (Remote after 6 months)	Keller
Guideline Health Care	Mental Health Therapist or Counselor - Remote	Longview
Guideline Health Care	Therapist - Remote	Pharr

Hey guys, here are some recent job openings in . Feel free to comment here or send me a private message if you have any questions, I'm at the community's disposal! If you encounter any problems with any of these job openings please let me know that I will modify the table accordingly. Thanks!

In this report, I'll mostly list the city I visited during my trip and give my general impression or talk about what I did.
I spend a total of three months in Japan, the first 11 days around Tokyo, two weeks to move between Osaka and Hiroshima one month across Kyushu and finally back in Tokyo for a month, with some overnight trips in the Kanto area.
You can check my itinerary for Kyushu, it will give more detail on location I planned to visit in each city (I mostly followed it) and also gives a bit more info about me. I also wrote about traveling as a Hololive fan and posted on the dedicated sub, but here I posted about anime shopping a bit more in general.
If you want to get my extra tips that you would not usually read here or in other guides, I posted my tips on JapanTravelTips.
Walked from 9k to 31k steps by day, an average of 15k to 20k depending on the month I look at. Total cost including flight was about 8000CAD, I mostly stayed in hostels or similar accommodation, did not use JR Pass and mostly eat food in restaurant while moving around, but back in Tokyo I did much more convenience store/grocery store shopping for food. It did include a lot of craft beer and a bit of souvenir shopping.
Feel free to ask question, especially if I mention a place that you would like to visit, I can give more info. Or if you want to see picture of anything I mentioned, let me know I can try to share.
Kansai/Chugoku

• Arima : I only visited during the day, but if you are looking for a nice onsen town close to Osaka/Kyoto/Kobe, then I would recommend. The ambiance might not be as charming as Kinosaki, but you still have the feeling that you are in a small town that revolve around onsen and that is easy to walk. The two main onsen are fine, pretty typical onsen experience if you ask me. Sure you can find nice ryokan too.
• Kobe : Went before and to different area, went to two sake breweries in Nada on my first time and would recommend if you want to know how sake is made. This time I went around Chinatown around lunch and it was a great experience, there is so much street food vendors and people everywhere, really recommend. Finished the day with a night view from Venus Bridge, the view was better than from the Nunobiki Herb Garden.
• Akashi : The main shopping street was really busy, lot of restaurant that serve the local specialty, Akashiyaki, a kind of takoyaki but much eggier taste and texture, you dunk it in soup to eat it (instead of putting sauce on it). The castle is skippable unless you hunt stamps and the history museum is heavily in Japanese.
• Himeji : The castle is huge. Honestly I really recommend to try to see one of the original castle and this one is usually the one that make the most sense to people. Went there close to opening time and could visit the castle and Kokoen garden before lunch. Then hiked Mount Shosha to see Engyo-ji. The hike is not too difficult, the temple is nice but really big, it will take a while to walk around even if you take the ropeway (it was under maintenance when I went).
• Ako : Could interest history buff as it is the city from where the 47 ronin from the Chushigura story come from, so the local shrine and the history museum do have things related to it. I actually liked going to see the salterns at Ako Seaside Park. Ako was know to be a big sea salt produced in the past and there is outside exhibit that show how it is done. They also do workshop and weekly demonstration, but even without that I found it interesting.
• Bizen (Imbe) : Unfortunately went when the museum was close for change in exhibition. This is a really different sightseeing experience as there is little to no "sight", spent most of the day going from one pottery store to the other. It's easy to get an idea of the Bizen-yaki style, I did not like the red-ish items that much but got a nice tea cup in darker color.
• Okayama : The castle and garden are ok, might not be my first recommendation for that combo (Himeji would probably win). The castle focus on the sengoku era, so if you like that part of history you might appreciate. Then went to Kibitsu-jinja where there is a long corridor. Can also learn about the story of Momotaro. If the weather had been better, cycling around Kibi is apparently nice. Do not try the Doppo Peach Pils, I would barely call it a beer, too sweet.
• Kurashiki : By the video I saw, it made it sound much bigger. The historic area is not that large, so if you do the boat ride, it won't be that long. There is still a nice vibe and you can get a good taste of a more preserved neighborhood.
• Fukuyama : Mostly used this as a convenient place to stay, there is not much to do. When you go to the touristic information and they tell you the top two things are the castle and Tomonoura, well, it show that this is not a top touristic destination. Took a more relax day and only walk to some temple/shrine.
• Tomonoura : Here we can also get a taste of preservation of older neighborhood, bus on a smaller scare and different building style compared to Kurashiki. If you are into history and specifically Bakumatsu, you might want to see the small museum about the Irohamaru and Sakamoto Ryoma as the boat sank nearby. The nearby island is nice and you can go for a relatively easy hike, but nothing special.
• Onomichi : Love Onomichi, I've been several times already. The city is always as quiet with as little attractions, but still like the vibe. Cherry blossom where quite nice in Senko-ji park. While I have not done the cycling, I visited the islands on Onomichi side. This time I went to Mukaishima for a hike and the view was fantastic. Yes, doing the Shimanamikaido cycling is a way to enjoy it, but it is not the only way to enjoy the islands and the view they can offer. Got recommended a really nice bar that it next to impossible to find without being told (can give more info).
• Hiroshima : After several days without seeing much international tourist, here the main sight like the peace park and even the castle are obviously popular destinations. I do not think I have much to add about Hiroshima that you cannot find elsewhere.

Kyushu

• Fukuoka : Went before and from my first trip would recommend the Fukuoka City Museum for a nice history museum. This time went to see teamLab, was my first experience and it was quite fun, I can give more info on that too. Went to Maizuru park (Fukuoka castle ruin) and had beautiful cherry blossom.
• Yoshinogari : While most historical location showcase more modern aspect of Japan, it was a really interesting experience to see a larger scale location dedicated to Yayoi era. Usually you might see one of the house from that era build in a random park/museum, but here you have the full village with different type of building and the whole walls around. Quite interesting if you are into older Japanese history.
• Saga : Was a convenient stop for accommodation, but there is not that much to see. The castle ruin have a reconstructed palace, one of the (if not the) first to be reconstructed. While it is nice, it is really not as flashy as the one in Nagoya castle (in Nagoya city, not Nagoya castle ruin in Saga) or Kumamoto castle.
• Arita : Similar to Bizen as the day was focused on visiting pottery/porcelain shops. Here the Kyushu Porcelain Museum was open and I would really recommend, especially as it's free. Really nice experience to see the different style of porcelain made around Arita, it did contrast with my perception that the style was kind of the same across all what is produced, but there is actually a lot of different style.
• Takeo : My main reason to go was to see teamLab exhibition, but along the way stopped by different nice garden. Was kind of in a strange time, cherry blossom was almost over and azalea just starting, so I had a bit of both, but not peak of either. teamLab I also did the Mikuneyama Rakuen onsen. While you pay a bit of a premium price, I think that you do have a good onsen experience. The exhibition was also quite nice and despite seeing some other people, I mostly had the art installation for myself. Can give more info if you want.
• Nagasaki : Second time in Nagasaki, found the Chinatown a bit dead compared to Kobe. Did the must do things on my first trip like peace museum, Dejima and Mount Inasa at night (would recommend to do these), this time did Nagasaki Museum of History and Culture that is interesting as it focus on the trace with various foreign country, Clover garden that is nice if you are interested in Late Edo/Meiji presence of westerners in Nagasaki. Also did Kameyama Shachu Memorial Museum as I like Bakumatsu and Ryoma. Will continue to recommend two days in Nagasaki.
• Unzen : Really unique to walk around Unzen Hells. Did some hiking around, but if you have a chance, going to Nita Pass and up the ropeway is probably better, but the bus to Nita Pass was not running when I went ant the only other option was an expensive taxi ride.
• Shimabara : While the castle have nothing unique, the exhibition inside is quite interesting as it will tell more about the Shimabara rebellion and the hidden Christians. Also tried a local sweet that is like small dango in a sweet syrup that strangely taste a lot like maple syrup.
• Kumamoto : While it is a major city in Kyushu, I felt that appart from the castle, there is not that much to do. Right now the castle is only partially reopen as they are still repairing the damage caused by the 2016 earthquake.
• Hitoyoshi : Unfortunately difficult to access by public transport because of the Hisatsu Line was severely damaged by floods in 2020, you can still go by bus, but it makes it more difficult. You might think that goin by car is the better option, but considering that Hitoyoshi is known for Kuma Shochu (made with rice), you might want to walk to the shochu distillery to partake in some tasting. Also went into a miso and soy sauce factory, that was interesting. Overall not a lot of things to see but still nice countryside town.
• Kirishima (Myoken onsen) : The onsen area is not the most convenient to access by public transport, but there is still a bus going. It's getting more difficult if you want to visit some sights around. I ended up being quite lucky as two different person stopped to offer me a ride to my next location. Would only recommend if you have a car or if you are really a big fan of Sakamoto Ryoma.
• Kagoshima : I was expecting to need more than a day to visit Kagoshima, but for the city itself, a day seems alright. Shukkei-en is nice and offer a good view of Sakurajima, the garden is also beautiful. Just make sure to get in the sightseeing bus that stop at the entrance. Went to the Meiji Restoration Museum, especially as I like the bakumatsu era. I could have spend my second full day in Sakurajima instead, but the rain was not especially pushing me to do outside activities.
• Yakushima : The car ferry was not running so had to pay 22 000yend for the jetfoil. This also changed my total ferry schedule. I initially planned a single day of activity, but ended up leaving in the afternoon of the second day so could re-schedule. On my first full day I went to Hirauchi kaichu onsen, that is a onsen in the ocean, only accessible at low tide, was kind of interesting, but it's mixed gender and you are technically supposed to go naked... except that the other people ether had swimsuit or towels to properly hide themselves, while I had a borderline too small towel. Only had 15 minutes to enjoy the water before going back on the bus to Ohko waterfall, that is quite nice. There I met someone who offered me a drive. My initial plan to walk toward Seibu Rindo, a forest road with wild deer and monkey. Let's say that considering the distance, I realize that my initial plan was not that good. Second day wend to Shiratani Unsuikyo, really nice hike with a great view if you reach the end of the train. The bus schedule does allow to easily do the hike if you start in the morning. Overall, I think Yakushima is doable by public transport, but it does require much more planning, kind of glad I had a ride. Also was lucky to get great weather all the time I was there.
• Ibusuki : I asked for recommendation of places to go and was recommended Chiringashima twice, not bad if you have some time to walk around the island and you are on time for low tide, but terrible bus schedule, so I went by bus and returned by walking. A bike rental would have made things easier. The special thing in Ibusuki is the sand bath, it is a strange feeling to be buried in the sand. The main place where you can do it is big and really well organized, I saw a place in Beppu that offer sand bath, but they seemed to have a somehow long wait. Appart from that, you need to go outside of town if you want to do more things.
• Makurazaki : a bit of a pain to reach by train/bus. My main goal was to see a shochu distillery. Honestly not totally sure it's worth going that far especially considering I saw other places easier to access. They also produce sweet potato based beer, not bad, but also not the best I tried during my trip. Had to eat some bonito as the city is know to be a big producer of katsuobushi.
• Shishibu : Mostly went because I wanted to visit a tea farm. Went to Osumi Teanery, they have a member of their staff that is American and that will do the tour with you. There is just so much we can see of the process in the factory as it is a running factory (at least in season) that is not build to have viewing deck on the production, then despite the rain we went to see the fields and talk about how the tea is cultivated. Also did a hojicha workshop, so that was fun to learn how to roast your own tea. While the place is not the easiest to access, the staff helped me get there so at the end it was relatively easy to do.
• Nichinan (Obi) : Kind of fun castle town, they have a special map with coupons and a list of participating restaurant. You buy the map then you can exchange the coupons of food items to eat while visiting the town. The castle does not have anything exceptional, but still fine.
• Miyazaki : First day was initially dedicated to Aoshima, but I ended up not spending as much there as I thought. The rock formation is interesting, that is for sure. Used the rest of the day to go to Udo-Jingu (that is technically in Nichinan), not sure it's worth the full cost of the bus, but it's an interesting shrine built in a cave close to the ocean. Miyazaki city in itself does not have that much, the nature and history museum is nice, but as many nature museum, I feel more geared toward child, but it was free, so why not.
• Hyuga : Honestly my biggest surprise. I was initially only planning it as a stop before getting in the bus to Takachiho. Ok, it's quite a long walk so a car or maybe a bike would be better, but Umagase was really a natural wonder, it's really beautiful and you can feel the power of the ocean. You might as well stop by the Sea Cross observatory and a point called Sanpo (next to the sea cross). Then you can also check Omi shrine and Uto shrine, the second being a small shrine build in a cave quite close to the ocean.
• Takachiho : Again after a while just seeing tourist once in a while, it show that Takachiho is a popular spot for tourist (both Japanese and Foreign. While the gorge is nice, I was much more impressed by Umagase. Also you cannot always ride the boat and it was close the days I was there. For me the Takachiho Kagura was more interesting than the gorge. One difficulty was to find a good hostel as the one easy to book is next to Amanoiwato shrine, that is a bit far from Takachiho shrine and no bus at the time of the kagura plan. But I found guesthouse sankaku thatwas perfectly located and the host, Asuka, was really friendly. Went to Amanoiwato shrine the next day and I think that more than the shrine in itself, the mythology around it is much more interesting. While it is only in Japanese, they do a small tour almors every half hour so you can see the sealed entrance of the cave where Amaterasu hid.
• Takamori : That was one more intermediary stop, got to see one of the One Piece statue (that I do not really care about). Got great view on Mount Aso. Went to Kamishikimi Kumanoimasu Shrine (that is a good walk or infrequent bus from the station), and was surprised to see what felt like a tour bus stop there. Yeah, it's nice to see the torii and the staircase in the forest, but I would not do a day trip from Kumamoto to there as I've seen people here wanting to do that. Also the train line is supposed to fully reopen this summer so it will be easier to access.
• Aso : My worst day. It rained and the top of the mountain was in clouds. Honestly I should have saved my money and not go on top. But if you are blessed with good weather, I am sure that it is fantastic, I can say that just by the gorgeous view I had on the mountain the previous day.
• Beppu : Yes, Beppu is know for their onsen, but I do not especially feel a special vibe about the city. When I went to the tourist info to have recommendation, appart from the hells that I already visited previously, it was pretty much just to get out of the city to attractions around. Got recommended Takegawara Onsen, it's fine but the bath is small and there is no soap, so bring your own if you want to wash. They also do sand bath, but seems to take time as the place have limited space. It's also located in what I would call a red light district with plenty of girls bakyabakura/soapland, so that is also... interesting. Would highly recommend Beppu Brewery, that seems to be fairly new. Got their tasting set that include a kabosu weise, kabosu is Oita local citrus, then tried the kabosu session. But if you see kabosu beer at the souvenir shop, do not try Kabos and Honey, it's the second worst beer I had on my trip, really sweet. (I wat getting into fruity beers before going to Japan, sour beer are good, not sweet beer).
• Oita : Listening to people, I felt that Oita was not really getting much appreciation here, but I found that there was more museums than in Beppu, like the Oita Prefecture Art Museum and Oita Art Museum (but I'm not that into art museum). While yes, there is no that much around the station area, I wished I had searched a bit more about the history of the city, the great discovery was the Old Otomo Residence and Garden, It is a small museum that will introduce you to Otomo Sorin, probably more know as the christian daimyo, would have liked to see if there is more locations related to that part of the region's history. The castle ruin was less interesting as there is not much exhibition, so pretty much only went to get the castle stamp. Getting a car to get to the interesting points a bit further around the city could have been more interesting tho.
• Usuki : My first idea here was to visit a series of temples as part of a pilgrimage, but it ended up not being much of a good idea as the second temples I went to was close, so I kind of abandoned the idea. Then I rented a free bicycle from the tourist information and rode it toward the stone carved buddha, unfortunately the back tire went flat and I decided to walk back instead of going all the way to the buddha. Was a bit unfortunate, but the city had some nice streets with older buildings and the food was good.

Kanto

• Sakura : Not much people go there but I would really recommend the history museum. If you decide to go, make sure you bring you phone with headphones and a power bank, if you listen to all the audio guide, you can spend hours in the museum.
• Narita : While I might not recommend as a day trip from Tokyo, I would absolutely recommend for people who are doing a long layover at Narita and that want to have a taste of Japan without going all the way to Tokyo.
• Kamakura : Second time going, while it's kind of possible to do a day in Kamakura and Enoshima, I think that spending two days over the two places is much better. This time I went to Hokokuji and their bamboo grove is really beautiful. While I've seen bamboo elsewhere, like in Sakura, here the place is really clean, all the dead bamboo have been removed and properly disposed. Usually in natural bamboo groves, it is full of dead or broken bamboo or there is piles of bamboo that was gathered in a corner. It was not too crowded and quite enjoyable, but it is not super big. Other than that there is plenty to see in Kamakura, totally recommend.
• Enoshima : Went for the first time, while a full day might be a bit much, not too hard to spend a good part of the day walking around. Went on the first day of my Kamakura trip as the weather was nice and I hoped for a Mount Fuji view and I could see it. I had the impression you had to be at a specific spot to see it, but no you can see it right from the bridge (I think the specific spot is if you want to see both Enoshima and Mount Fuji). Despite no cloud, it was not super clear, this can be because of humidity in the air or because of Asian dust (or China Dust) that is more prevalent in spring.
• Chichibu : Kind of surprisingly, there is many anime that are taking place in Chichibu, so if you like any of them, that would be a great destination. One of the main thing advertise about Chichibu is nature, but I found that it would work much better with a car to get to the flower fields outside of the town center, or maybe by renting a car. If you want to bungee jump you can do it here (pretty sure it's the place where Chis Broad and Connor went). If you want to go to Mitsumine Shrine, then that will likely require a car rental. I stayed not to far for the night, but the bus service was... let's say not the most convenient. There would also be a bunch of hiking trains in the area around the western side of Chichibu.
• Nagatoro : Walking next to the arakawa river is a must and you might want to also do a boat dire on the river. I then hiked Hodosan, but it was not that exciting. There is a famous kakigoori place there, super popular, that's the restaurant I waited the longest for in all my trip, then you get serve a big pile of shaved ice (with the syrup of your choice) and it cost more than a lot of full meals that I had, but I do not regret the refreshment on that hot day.

Middle Ages

• 1215 – Zhongdu (now Beijing), then under the control of the Jurchen ruler Emperor Xuanzong of Jin, is captured by the Mongols under Genghis Khan, ending the Battle of Zhongdu.
• 1252 – Alfonso X is proclaimed king of Castile and León.
• 1298 – Residents of Riga and Grand Duchy of Lithuania defeated the Livonian Order in the Battle of Turaida.

Early Modern World

• 1495 – A monk, John Cor, records the first known batch of Scotch whisky.
• 1533 – Anne Boleyn is crowned Queen of England.
• 1535 – Combined forces loyal to Charles V attack and expel the Ottomans from Tunis during the Conquest of Tunis.
• 1648 – The Roundheads defeat the Cavaliers at the Battle of Maidstone in the Second English Civil War.
• 1649 – Start of the Sumuroy Revolt: Filipinos in Northern Samar led by Agustin Sumuroy revolt against Spanish colonial authorities.
• 1670 – In Dover, England, Charles II of England and Louis XIV of France sign the Secret Treaty of Dover, which will force England into the Third Anglo-Dutch War.
• 1676 – Battle of Öland: allied Danish-Dutch forces defeat the Swedish navy in the Baltic Sea, during the Scanian War (1675–79).
• 1679 – The Scottish Covenanters defeat John Graham of Claverhouse at the Battle of Drumclog.
• 1773 – Wolraad Woltemade rescues 14 sailors at the Cape of Good Hope from the sinking ship De Jonge Thomas by riding his horse into the sea seven times. Both he and his horse, Vonk, drowned on his eighth attempt.

Revolutionary Age

• 1779 – The court-martial for malfeasance of Benedict Arnold, a general in the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War, begins.
• 1792 – Kentucky is admitted as the 15th state of the United States.
• 1794 – The battle of the Glorious First of June is fought, the first naval engagement between Britain and France during the French Revolutionary Wars.
• 1796 – Tennessee is admitted as the 16th state of the United States.
• 1812 – War of 1812: U.S. President James Madison asks the Congress to declare war on the United Kingdom.
• 1813 – Capture of USS Chesapeake.
• 1815 – Napoleon promulgates a revised Constitution after it passes a plebiscite.
• 1831 – James Clark Ross becomes the first European at the North Magnetic Pole.
• 1849 – Territorial Governor Alexander Ramsey declared the Territory of Minnesota officially established.
• 1854 – Åland War: The British navy destroys merchant ships and about 16,000 tar barrels of the wholesale stocks area in Oulu, Grand Duchy of Finland.
• 1855 – The American adventurer William Walker conquers Nicaragua.
• 1857 – Charles Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du mal is published.
• 1857 – The Revolution of the Ganhadores begins in Salvador, Bahia, Brazil.
• 1861 – American Civil War: The Battle of Fairfax Court House is fought.
• 1862 – American Civil War: Peninsula Campaign: The Battle of Seven Pines (or the Battle of Fair Oaks) ends inconclusively, with both sides claiming victory.
• 1868 – The Treaty of Bosque Redondo is signed, allowing the Navajo to return to their lands in Arizona and New Mexico.

Second Industrial Revolution

• 1879 – Napoléon Eugène, the last dynastic Bonaparte, is killed in the Anglo-Zulu War.
• 1890 – The United States Census Bureau begins using Herman Hollerith's tabulating machine to count census returns.

World War I

• 1916 – Louis Brandeis becomes the first Jew appointed to the United States Supreme Court.
• 1918 – World War I: Western Front: Battle of Belleau Wood: Allied Forces under John J. Pershing and James Harbord engage Imperial German Forces under Wilhelm, German Crown Prince.

Interwar Period

• 1919 – Prohibition comes into force in Finland.
• 1922 – The Royal Ulster Constabulary is founded.
• 1929 – The 1st Conference of the Communist Parties of Latin America is held in Buenos Aires.
• 1930 – The Deccan Queen is introduced as first intercity train between Bombay VT (Now Mumbai CST) and Poona (Pune) to run on electric locomotives.
• 1939 – First flight of the German Focke-Wulf Fw 190 fighter aircraft.

World War II

• 1941 – World War II: The Battle of Crete ends as Crete capitulates to Germany.
• 1941 – The Farhud, a massive pogrom in Iraq, starts and as a result, many Iraqi Jews are forced to leave their homes.
• 1943 – BOAC Flight 777 is shot down over the Bay of Biscay by German Junkers Ju 88s, killing British actor Leslie Howard and leading to speculation that it was actually an attempt to kill British Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

Cold War

• 1946 – Ion Antonescu, "Conducator" ("Leader") of Romania during World War II, is executed.
• 1950 – The Declaration of Conscience speech, by U.S. Senator from Maine, Margaret Chase Smith, is delivered in response to Joseph R. McCarthy's speech at Wheeling, West Virginia.
• 1950 – The Chinchaga fire ignites. By September, it would become the largest single fire on record in North America.
• 1958 – Charles de Gaulle comes out of retirement to lead France by decree for six months.
• 1961 – The Canadian Bank of Commerce and Imperial Bank of Canada merge to form the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce, the largest bank merger in Canadian history.
• 1964 – Kenya becomes a republic with Jomo Kenyatta as its first President.
• 1974 – The Heimlich maneuver for rescuing choking victims is published in the journal Emergency Medicine.
• 1975 – The Patriotic Union of Kurdistan was founded by Jalal Talabani, Nawshirwan Mustafa, Fuad Masum and others.
• 1978 – The first international applications under the Patent Cooperation Treaty are filed.
• 1979 – The first black-led government of Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) in 90 years takes power.
• 1980 – Cable News Network (CNN) begins broadcasting.
• 1988 – European Central Bank is founded in Brussels.
• 1988 – The Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty comes into effect.
• 1990 – Cold War: George H. W. Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev sign a treaty to end chemical weapon production.

Modern World

• 1993 – Dobrinja mortar attack: Thirteen are killed and 133 wounded when Serb mortar shells are fired at a soccer game in Dobrinja, west of Sarajevo.
• 1994 – Republic of South Africa becomes a republic in the Commonwealth of Nations.
• 2001 – Nepalese royal massacre: Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal shoots and kills several members of his family including his father and mother.
• 2001 – Dolphinarium discotheque massacre: A Hamas suicide bomber kills 21 at a disco in Tel Aviv.
• 2004 – Oklahoma City bombing co-conspirator Terry Nichols is sentenced to 161 consecutive life terms without the possibility of parole.
• 2009 – Air France Flight 447 crashes into the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Brazil on a flight from Rio de Janeiro to Paris. All 228 passengers and crew are killed.
• 2009 – General Motors files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. It is the fourth largest United States bankruptcy in history.
• 2011 – A rare tornado outbreak occurs in New England; a strong EF3 tornado strikes Springfield, Massachusetts, during the event, killing four people.
• 2011 – Space Shuttle Endeavour makes its final landing after 25 flights.
• 2015 – A ship carrying 458 people capsizes in the Yangtze river in China's Hubei province, killing 400 people.

Featured

• 1812: The U.S. President James Madison asks Congress to declare war on the United Kingdom, starting the War of 1812.

The decision to go to war is one of the most serious an American president faces. On June 1, 1812, President Madison sent a letter—later dubbed his war message—to both houses of Congress. In it, he listed a series of transgressions Great Britain had committed against the U.S. He also explained his decision not to recommend war with France at that time. https://freeimage.host/i/HrP69Yx

When is the best time to fish if your following tide charts?. If high tide is 811am for example what time would be best to fish ?

Chapter 19

A short one to finish off the Book, putting everyone into/approaching their final places before the climax. Some good characterization occurs, and we get a title drop of sorts!

Epigraph

A poem titled Old Temple, written by Sivyn Stor (B. 1022) While I am well aware of the timeline shenanigans going on, that the author was born over 140 years ago is significant for reasons I'm about to get into. The text of the poem seems to pretty clearly refer to the K'Rul temple and K'Rul himself (although I believe the Maker of Paths title is new to me) yet the events, someone dying within the Old Temple and their blood being drunk by the stones, occur well after the expected lifespan of whomever wrote this. In a world where mage lifespans seem elongated and other races live who-knows-how-long, this is less of a big deal, but if we assume this text was written prior to Ch. 5, then K'Rul was being dishonest regarding how long it had been since he'd received blood. Just something to think about.
Now, regarding the "Maker of Paths" title, that seems more significant. If K'Rul is the "Maker of Paths" then that could mean one of two things in my mind. Either he's some god of fate, which could work considering his actions in the story, or he's something far scarier. The first time we're introduced to Warrens in this story is when Paran's internal narration refers to them as the "secret paths of sorcery." If K'Rul is the Maker of those Paths... This again gels with his previous actions, as I'd noted that odd joke he cracked, where the creation of Silverfox's body was "unknown to any man ... Including myself." He then immediately clarifies that "this sorcery belongs to the Moon." If he's some Mystra analog then that whole interaction makes sense. While that particular interaction stuck out to me because I considered it evidence for my "K'Rul is Hood's predecessor" theory, given that neither of my interpretations for the "Maker of Paths" title fit that, and this fits better I might jump ship on that prediction. That Darujhistan, a city founded on a rumor hunted after by power-hungry mages, would erect a temple to the guy would make sense in this paradigm as well.
Additionally, if I'm correct regarding K'Rul's impending fight with the Jaghut Tyrant, then him being either a deity of Fate or Magic makes this a really bad thing.
One last note: the author mentions that K'Rul was "never so thirsty//in youth..." but I'm not sure what to make of that aside from noting it.

The Chapter Itself -

Begins with Crokus chafing against his protections. Meese refuses to tell him who or what is protecting him for reasons that are not explained and leaves to find Irilta. Once alone, Apsalar asks Crokus why he killed a guard. He decides to spare her the knowledge that "she" was in fact the one who killed them. Crokus, knowing that none of this adds up, decides immediately to leave, and Apsalar agrees to go with him. He wants to speak with Challice once they've successfully hidden, despite believing her a traitor. Ah Crokus, a boner head to the last.
Serrat, meanwhile, has finally tracked Younghand to the Phoenix Inn and prepares to strike once the lad climbs to the rooftop. She's beaten back by an invisible assailant. Either Oppon's breaking cover to hedge everything on their last tool, (and to not die by Dragnipur), or something else odd is going on. This is her last attempt we know of this chapter. Crokus gets a brief sense that something just went down but discards the sensation. Apsalar climbs up as well, and they leave for the old K'Rul Temple.
Murillio, meanwhile, waits for news on whether or not his friends are dead. If Coll lives and Rallick dies, then he'll avenge both friends by taking on Councilman Orr himself. So I guess the plan was to challenge the Councilman to a duel? Kill him in the open, publicly destroy the Lady's allies, and begin the process of restoring Coll? Not a terrible plan, it's quite good, in fact, just a bit underwhelming if that's it. He wonders how the Eel knew of the scheme and why they elected to meddle within it, and begins speculating along similar lines as myself. Rallick Nom scrapes against the door and barely drags himself in. Rallick disapproves of Murillio taking his roll over, and while being inspected, reveals nothing other than an old scar. Some sort of healing factor produced by the powder? The powder itself has evidently been absorbed, and Murillio's scrutiny satisfies the audience that K'Rul didn't pull a Sorry. Murillio goes to confront Kruppe, the supposed Eel. Now that I think about it, the anti-magic powder likely shielded Rallick from any divine intervention (if it was even attempted). Whatever the effect on Nom was, it saved his life, let's just hope he didn't get any magic cancer.
... The powder is Otataral! I literally just put that together now. I was about to make a passing comment about how the side effects might explain why alchemists don't mass-produce the stuff, then it hit me. It's not made, it's a rare substance with an intrinsic effect, a rust-colored metallic substance with an intrinsic AoE anti-magic effect. We've seen this elsewhere and it's name is Otataral. Lorn even mentions the effects long-term Otataral exposure has had on her in this same chapter. It's not mass-produced because it's rare. I'm fairly certain this is where Erikson wanted the other shoe to drop for the reader, and if so, well done sir! I've been played expertly. This raises several questions, how does a Darujhistan High Alchemist have a substance which is apparently strongly associated with Malazan? and why would Baruk give out his supply in a consumable form to an employee? How big was the job RN did for him where that was adequate compensation? Who knows! Perhaps he's "anathema to sorcery" himself now? Back to the narrative...
Kruppe is in Baruk's study, waiting on his master to say anything after nearly an hour. The debriefing has long since ended, and the alchemist is in deep thought. He pleads with the man to let him go and enjoy the simple, humble pleasures of life and is interrupted for his troubles. Baruk reveals his correspondence with Circle Breaker, and his growing inclination to break the man's anonymity to find the Eel. Kruppe informs him that it will not be necessary, that he himself can contact the Eel and deliver a message, getting a response by tonight. Has Baruk figured it out? The roadwork clue was a pretty big tell, and someone who knows as much about Kruppe as the High Alchemist does should be able to put it together. Regardless of whether Baruk knows or not, the charade ends tonight. (I think..)
After being further caught up by Whiskeyjack, Paran comes to a realization, the Bridgeburners are here to claim Darujistan not for Malazan, but for Onearm. They'll act as terrorists, and Dujek will waltz in and establish a new peace, with the resources for resisting Laseen and Caladan Brood's descending armies. Whiskeyjack offers one correction, they don't care about Laseen. She's about to lose both major fronts to her conquest in a matter of days. It's the Pannion Seer who's the real threat. Evidently, there are rumors about this guy and his impending genocide will make the Imass' Jagut wars seem quaint. So nice to find out about him 400 pages in, lol. The BBs leave the Captain with Coll to make one final sweep for any sign of the Assassins Guild and carry out their roadwork scheme.
Lorn and Tool emerge from the barrow, Lorn has mostly healed, because Otataral provides a healing factor, and prepares to leave with the Finnest. Tool renounces his old name, and once again invites Lorn to accompany him once his own journey is done. The Adjunct leaves, her old reservations suppressed by her sense of impending duty. She regrets losing Paran, because apparently everyone is thirsty for the guy, and anticipates killing the Rope. With all this at stake, the Adjunct gallops off towards Darujhistan, a dazed Jaghut Tyrant behind her, rousing in response to the theft.
The chapter ends with Crokus and Apsalar, they've reached the temple, and begin ascending its steps. Crokus mentions offhandedly that the Elder god has been dead for thousands of years (please ignore my timeline grumbling) and encourages Aps into the structure. Her eyes adjust supernaturally well, her time under the Rope evidently providing her some residual benefits, such as darkvision. She mentions that there's a story painted along the wall, but we don't get to see what it is. They notice the blood, then once on the roof, the body. Crokus' dismissal of her concerns is an interesting touch, because of course, to him she's "only a girl" or some such nonsense. While I was worrying my credit to Oppon for K'Rul's awakening was misattributed, or perhaps overstated, the fact that both deaths upon the stones roughly coincided with the Coin Bearrer's arrival, I'm increasingly certain that Oppon is the one arranging this.
They worry about the body and the assassin's war, but Apsalar asks him to look at the moon. He petulantly looks at Moon's Spawn, noticing a reddish glow, and five winged shapes leaving for the Gadrobi Hills. Anomander Rake has moved, calling the dragons of Moon's Spawn (of which he may or may not be one) to respond to the Jaghut threat. Aps asks if he's seen the oceans, Garllin's Sea, along the moon. According to her, there's a series of underwater Gardens of the Moon, where after some eschatological event, mankind will live in peace. Its a haunting story, and one which Crokus is enamored. Or perhaps, enamored by the silhouette in front of him. Despite his pointed ignoring of her, his constant momentary lapses and noticing her long, dark hair and her deep, brown eyes have finally overwhelmed his reticence. "Why not?" he asks himself.
Crokus, as much as I begrudgingly love you, she deserves better.

Book 6: The City of Blue Fire

And there goes another one. Pretty much all buildup and consolidation of the key players. Ready for the catastrophic night of the Fête.
The Bridgeburners are readying their plans with the Moranth munitions, a large set of which are stationed outside the room where Baruk and Kruppe are about to meet. While Paran has promised to stand aside, I doubt that'll hold. Chance remains with him, and the Adjunct has much to answer for.
It seems Anomander Rake is indeed going to meet the Jaghut Tyrant head-on, or perhaps attempt to kill it off before he's fully awake. Either way, fireworks are about to go off. Lorn, meanwhile, is doing what she can to lead the Tyrant towards Rake, so we'll see what happens once the Adjunct crosses paths with the dragons. It'll also be interesting what effect the separation between the Finnest and its owner will have.
The Eel is preparing to out himself, I think, and what interactions he and the High Alchemist will have with the BBs remains to be seen. It might be good to clue them into the whole apocalyptic genocide brewing down south.
The Fête is tonight. Turban Orr, if things go well, will die. I suspect things will go poorly if Oppon has anything to do with it. That Book 7 is named after the event implies as much. Crokus intends to speak with Challice, who will be attending the event herself, that the Coin Bearer will be present, after hanging out in the Temple of a revived Elder god, in a space under an Oppon-influenced plan, bodes ill.
Caladan Brood marches south, Pale is coming apart at the seams. Dujek prepares one last gambit to gather resources to stop the monster far to the south who threatens the world.
Much of this was rooted in events well before Book 6, but I could have never guessed the shape of it all 3 chapters ago. I'm excited to watch as things twist even further, as this all slowly, inexorably, unfolds...

I was thinking back to ToD recently. It was a game I spent dozens of hours playing nonstop. It's in this weird position because it's sandwiched between two mainline entries that are greatly beloved for different reasons (RF3 and RF4) and I remember back in the day people complaining about how much of a downgrade it felt compared to Frontier and 3. I very much enjoyed it over a decade ago and I remembered doing everything in my power to absolutely defend it but what would you all say were your pros and cons in this title? Mine...
Pros
-Fennith Island as a setting was nice. I thought the buildings and environments were vibrant.
-First game to experiment with a FeMC option that wasn't RF2's 2nd generation.
-The concept of riding a gigantic plant golem around the oceans is cool and lifting up whole islands for more places to explore was always a treat.
-Both male and female MCs (Aden and Sonja) co-existing with one another with the other being marriageable depending on who you choose to play as.
-Load times were super fast. Moreso than RFF. Hopping around town always felt quick and brisk.
Cons
-I know people complain about RF5 lacking any intricate dialogue but Tides was guilty too. It wasn't just situational or NPC hangout dialogue that Tides lacked that made it a downgrade from Frontier or 3 but all their greetings were the same. No matter what. Aside from morning, afternoon, or evening - there was never anything that indicated whether it was raining, cloudy, or sunny. Odette's morning greetings for example I remembered being the same throughout.
-This was because of the last-minute nature of bachelors being added and Sonja as a playable protagonist but the entire town's marriage candidate roster greatly outnumbers villagers. Legitimately, there are only six villagers in the game (nine if you count the cameo characters) versus the 10-15 marriage candidates in Fennith Island and one of them only visits the island a few times a week.
-Enemies in Tides were absolute HP sponges to go through. Like they thought difficulty equaled taking eons to fight a single boss because it expected you to have super beefed up equipment per shrine.
-The shrines themselves were lacking, atmosphere and theming wise. It was all the same deal with a bit of aura variance and recoloring of environments.
-Some of the characters' events were reliant on quirks, moreso than 3's I think. Like, I love Lily but they never really go far with her.
-Most glaringly, you have to clear the entire plot and then max everyone's FP out to be given the option to even play as Sonja AND be able to romance or marry. Iirc everyone's FP/LP caps at 6 before you clear the story.
-The Golem mechanic was cool for the first few times but you find yourself fast-forward traveling more often to find new shrines or plot spots. Travel also drains a lot of time in the in-game clock / day schedule.
I didn't dislike Tides playing it and looking back I still don't but being placed between RF3 and RF4, it feels like the odd title out. Which is odd when you consider Neverland worked on all three games.
So, what were your experiences with Tides?

Bio from The Festival Voice

Artist Biography by Daniel Karasek
Kendrick Lamar is the most acclaimed rap artist of his generation. He was born in Compton and grew up surrounded by hip-hop culture and gang activity. At a young age, he started writing stories and poems, leading him to rap. When Kendrick was 16 he made a name for himself as K. Dot in 2003 and released his debut mixtape The Hub City Threat: Minor of the Year. The release was impressive enough to get Top Dawg Entertainment to work with him and propel his career. Kendrick kept releasing music under K. Dot through 2009, and that same year he joined the group Black Hippy whose members included Ab-Soul, Jay Rock, and ScHoolboy Q. The members of Black Hippy often appeared on each other’s mixtapes and albums. In 2010, Overly Dedicated was released under Kendrick Lamar as his first commercial release that hit the Billboard R&B/Hip-Hop Albums Chart. The next year he released his first official album Section.80 which hit number 113 on the Billboard 200. During a concert in late 2011, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, and the Game dubbed him “The New King of the West Coast” which was sealed when Dre signed Kendrick to his Aftermath label. In 2012, Kendrick released his major-label debut Good Kid, M.A.A.D City which entered the Billboard 200 at number two. Three of the singles, “Swimming Pools (Drank),” “Poetic Justice,” and “Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe,” made it into the Top Ten of Billboard’s Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Chart and went Top 40 Pop. The album got four Grammy nominations. Kendrick kept with the grind until 2014 when he released his single “i” which won Grammy Awards for Best Rap Performance and Best Rap Song. The next year he released the album To Pimp a Butterfly which featured Snoop Dogg, Thundercat, and George Clinton and topped the Billboard 200. The album won a Grammy for Best Rap Album. Kendrick’s next two singles “Alright” and “These Walls” took Grammy wins for Best Rap Performance, Best Rap Song, and Best Rap/Sung Collaboration. In 2017, Kendrick’s album DAMN arrived with the single “HUMBLE” which became his first number-one pop hit. All 14 songs off the album entered the Hot 100. The album also won more Grammy awards for Best Rap Album, Best Rap Performance, Best Rap Song, and Best Rap/Sung Performance. In 2018, the album won the Pulitzer Prize for Music and was the first time the judges recognized a work outside the genres of classical and jazz. If all this wasn’t enough, Kendrick’s single “Kings Dead” made him a 13-time Grammy winner for Best Rap Performance. Kendrick kept pushing through with wins with his most recent album Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers arriving in 2022.

 
Genre: Hip Hop, Progressive Rap, GOAT
Scheduled: Friday
Songs & Sets:
Kendrick Lamar - These Walls (Live on Ellen) ft. Bilal, Anna Wise, Thundercat
Kendrick Lamar - Live At Reading And Leeds Festival 2018
Kendrick Lamar Live Performance Ft. Tanna Leone & Baby Keem FULL CONCERT
Kendrick Lamar - N95
Kendrick Lamar - Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe (Explicit)
Have you seen Kendrick Lamar before? Please share your experience and favorite songs.
 

Days Until Bonnaroo: 14

Remember to drink water and warm up those high fives!
 
Link to previous AotD post

Summary As Of:	01JUN @ 12:02 GMT
Countries	229 + 2
Cases	689,710,541
Deaths	6,885,234
Recovered	662,049,925
Active Cases	20,775,382

^{Countries reporting new cases: 42}

^{Countries reporting new deaths: 18}

^{Countries reporting increased Active Cases: 31}

^{Countries reporting decreased Active Cases: 17}

Complete Chart

Data Source

	With Active cases	w/No Active cases	w/All cases rcvrd
Cntry’s	221	6	2
Cases	689,710,541	6	2
Deaths	6,885,234	43,539	0
Rcvrd	662,049,925	24,250,697	1,959

^{Past 7 day totals of new: cases, deaths, recoveries & actives. With 3 & 7 day averages.}

Date	Cases	Deaths	Rcvr’s	Actives
25MAY	44,259	218	73,471	20,739,173
26MAY	37,409	184	44,512	20,731,931
27MAY	29,582	43	37,737	20,730,419
28MAY	14,834	57	58,821	20,697,488
29MAY	33,033	118	61,440	20,689,727
30MAY	39,059	331	41,802	20,790,332
31MAY	43,898	104	59,219	20,774,907
3 Day Avg	38,663	184	54,154	20,751,655
7 Day Avg	34,582	151	53,857	20,736,282

^{Cases, Deaths, Actives by Continent}

Cont	Cases	Deaths	Actives
Europe	249,405,531	2,061,501	1,940,863
N A	126,747,468	1,633,884	2,470,746
Asia	217,617,571	1,546,683	14,827,345
S A	68,737,210	1,356,281	907,755
Africa	12,823,859	258,777	479,508
Oceania	14,378,181	28,093	149,165
World	689,710,541	6,885,234	20,775,382

^{Countries with Active Cases}

Country	Cases	Deaths	Recoveries	Actives
USA	107,119,078+	1,165,449+	105,205,806+	747,823-
India	44,990,876+	531,872+	44,455,079+	3,925-
France	40,086,595	167,311	39,862,390	56,894
Germany	38,428,043+	174,323+	38,239,600+	14,120-
Brazil	37,601,257	702,907	36,249,161	649,189
Japan	33,803,572	74,694	N/A	N/A
S. Korea	31,728,115+	34,804+	31,373,318+	319,993+
Italy	25,857,572	190,392	25,545,397	121,783
UK	24,603,076	225,324	24,370,933+	6,819-
Russia	22,929,149	399,057	22,361,277	168,815
Turkey	17,232,066	102,174	N/A	N/A
Spain	13,868,227	121,213	13,697,426	49,588
Vietnam	11,612,608	43,206	10,638,168	931,234
Australia	11,585,286	20,879	11,526,959	37,448
Argentina	10,054,251	130,509	9,923,097	645
Mexico	7,621,062+	334,167+	6,869,584+	417,311-
Iran	7,611,743	146,257	7,366,014	99,472
Indonesia	6,807,513	161,771	6,633,292	12,450
Poland	6,517,003+	119,615+	5,335,940	1,061,448+
Colombia	6,367,600	142,748	6,188,967	35,885
Austria	6,077,146	22,504	6,049,174	5,468
Greece	6,067,218+	36,969+	6,016,247+	14,002+
Portugal	5,588,310+	26,759+	5,556,228-	5,323+
Ukraine	5,553,031+	112,352+	5,432,654	8,025+
Chile	5,287,444	64,497	5,222,842	105
Malaysia	5,100,249	37,087	5,044,652	18,510
Israel	4,826,031	12,527	4,798,473	15,031
Belgium	4,799,107	34,336	4,760,035+	4,736-
Thailand	4,738,988	34,053	4,692,636	12,299
Canada	4,676,878	52,425	4,588,876	35,577
Czechia	4,642,116	42,804	4,598,537	775
Peru	4,507,363+	220,673+	4,284,940	1,750+
Switzerland	4,405,938	14,452	4,389,039	2,447
Philippines	4,142,814	66,466	4,061,510	14,838
South Africa	4,076,463	102,595	3,912,506	61,362
Romania	3,404,197	68,184	3,329,181	6,832
Denmark	3,181,878	8,705	3,172,759-	414+
Hong Kong	2,904,315	13,819	2,875,092+	15,404-
Sweden	2,709,830	24,353	2,682,938+	2,539-
Serbia	2,541,703	18,052	2,520,492-	3,159+
Singapore	2,472,873+	1,727	2,149,583	321,563+
Iraq	2,465,545	25,375	2,439,497	673
New Zealand	2,375,191	4,362	2,358,376	12,453
Hungary	2,202,887+	48,873+	2,151,825+	2,189-
Bangladesh	2,039,244+	29,446	1,998,448	11,350+
Slovakia	1,866,857	21,167	1,845,578	112
Georgia	1,842,046	17,070	1,776,548	48,428
Jordan	1,746,997	14,122	1,731,007	1,868
Ireland	1,712,113	8,960	1,701,342	1,811
Pakistan	1,581,038+	30,660	1,538,689	11,689+
Norway	1,484,882+	5,435	1,478,204	1,243+
Finland	1,479,608	9,676	1,466,809+	3,123-
Kazakhstan	1,411,831	13,848	1,383,020	14,963
Slovenia	1,344,004	7,100	1,328,006	8,898
Lithuania	1,320,534+	9,684+	1,309,711+	1,139-
Bulgaria	1,307,597+	38,385+	1,267,287+	1,925-
Morocco	1,274,180	16,297	1,256,151	1,732
Croatia	1,273,795	18,255	1,255,288	252
Guatemala	1,252,690+	20,201	1,230,377+	2,112+
Lebanon	1,237,556	10,914	1,087,587	139,055
Costa Rica	1,232,576+	9,374+	860,711	362,491+
Bolivia	1,199,246+	22,384	1,168,466+	8,396+
Tunisia	1,153,323	29,420	N/A	N/A
Cuba	1,114,203	8,530	1,105,499	174
UAE	1,067,030	2,349	1,054,525	10,156
Ecuador	1,062,275+	36,019	1,025,081	1,175+
Panama	1,040,230+	8,624+	1,030,855+	751+
Uruguay	1,038,774	7,634	1,030,944	196
Mongolia	1,008,655	2,179	1,006,086+	390-
Nepal	1,003,340+	12,031	991,287+	22-
Belarus	994,037	7,118	985,592	1,327
Latvia	977,891	6,344	971,406	141
Saudi Arabia	841,469	9,646	827,923	3,900
Azerbaijan	831,834+	10,274+	821,500+	60-
Paraguay	810,581	19,931	N/A	N/A
Bahrain	721,891	1,564	720,109	218
Sri Lanka	672,459	16,872	655,541	46
Kuwait	665,931+	2,570	660,237	3,124+
Dominican Republic	661,176	4,384	644,785	12,007
Myanmar	638,889	19,494	617,892	1,503
Palestine	621,008	5,404	615,445	159
Moldova	620,574+	12,118	504,142	104,314+
Estonia	618,931	3,001	524,990	90,940
Venezuela	552,695	5,856	546,537	302
Egypt	516,023	24,613	442,182	49,228
Qatar	513,500	690	512,402	408
Libya	507,263	6,437	500,825	1
China	503,302	5,272	379,053	118,977
Ethiopia	500,899	7,574	488,130	5,195
Réunion	486,588	921	418,572	67,095
Honduras	472,619	11,116	N/A	N/A
Armenia	449,203+	8,750	435,162	5,291+
Bosnia and Herzegovina	402,998+	16,347+	379,084	7,567+
Oman	399,449	4,628	384,669	10,152
North Macedonia	348,281	9,677	337,068	1,536
Zambia	343,995	4,058	339,858	79
Kenya	343,074	5,688	337,309	77
Albania	334,726	3,602	329,428	1,696
Botswana	329,905+	2,801	327,049	55+
Luxembourg	319,959	1,232	316,690	2,037
Brunei	303,719	225	243,601	59,893
Montenegro	291,898	2,828	288,569	501
Algeria	271,838	6,881	183,051	81,906
Nigeria	266,675	3,155	259,953	3,567
Zimbabwe	265,030+	5,695+	258,888	447+
Uzbekistan	253,662	1,637	241,486	10,539
Mozambique	233,417	2,243	228,805	2,369
Martinique	229,975	1,102	N/A	N/A
Afghanistan	221,716	7,914	197,562	16,240
Laos	218,247+	758	N/A	N/A
Iceland	209,191	229	N/A	N/A
Kyrgyzstan	206,890	2,991	196,406	7,493
Guadeloupe	202,836	1,017	N/A	N/A
El Salvador	201,785	4,230	179,410	18,145
Trinidad and Tobago	191,496	4,390	187,078	28
Maldives	186,651	315	163,687	22,649
Ghana	171,657	1,462	170,161	34
Namibia	171,310	4,091	167,099	120
Uganda	170,775	3,632	100,431	66,712
Jamaica	154,993	3,549	102,964	48,480
Cambodia	138,781	3,056	135,689	36
Rwanda	133,194	1,468	131,647	79
Cameroon	125,036	1,972	122,807	257
Malta	118,756	837	117,365	554
Barbados	107,794	593	106,971	230
Angola	105,384	1,934	103,419	31
Channel Islands	101,717	228	101,321	168
French Guiana	98,041	420	11,254	86,367
DRC	96,652	1,467	84,489	10,696
Senegal	88,997	1,971	87,024	2
Malawi	88,728	2,686	85,651	391
Ivory Coast	88,331	835	87,497	-1
Suriname	82,513	1,405	N/A	N/A
New Caledonia	79,922	314	79,605	3
French Polynesia	78,581+	649	N/A	N/A
Eswatini	74,670	1,425	73,116	129
Guyana	73,240+	1,298	71,880	62+
Belize	70,782	688	70,085	9
Fiji	68,921	883	67,029	1,009
Madagascar	68,288	1,425	66,854	9
Sudan	63,993	5,046	58,683	264
Cabo Verde	63,934+	414	63,407+	113+
Mauritania	63,715	997	62,471	247
Bhutan	62,671+	21	61,564	1,086+
Syria	57,608	3,164	54,370	74
Burundi	53,751	38	53,569	144
Seychelles	50,937	172	50,750	15
Gabon	48,992	307	48,674	11
Andorra	48,015	165	47,563	287
Papua New Guinea	46,864	670	43,982	2,212
Curaçao	45,986	295	44,720	971
Aruba	44,180	236	42,438	1,506
Tanzania	43,078	846	N/A	N/A
Mauritius	42,518	1,049	40,740	729
Mayotte	42,027	188	N/A	N/A
Togo	39,499	290	39,206	3
Guinea	38,563	468	37,757	338
Bahamas	38,084	844	36,366	874
Isle of Man	38,008	116	N/A	N/A
Lesotho	34,790	723	25,980	8,087
Faeroe Islands	34,658	28	N/A	N/A
Haiti	34,246	860	33,361	25
Mali	33,148	743	32,331	74
Cayman Islands	31,472	37	8,553	22,882
Saint Lucia	30,052	409	29,095	548
Benin	28,014	163	27,847	4
Somalia	27,334	1,361	13,182	12,791
Micronesia	26,458	65	N/A	N/A
Congo	25,375	386	24,006	983
Solomon Islands	24,575	153	N/A	N/A
San Marino	24,285	125	24,149	11
Timor-Leste	23,450+	138	23,102	210+
Burkina Faso	22,056	396	21,596	64
Liechtenstein	21,446	94	21,351+	1-
Gibraltar	20,550	113	16,579	3,858
Grenada	19,693	238	19,358	97
Bermuda	18,860	165	18,685	10
Nicaragua	18,491	225	4,225	14,041
South Sudan	18,368	138	18,115	115
Tajikistan	17,786	125	17,264	397
Equatorial Guinea	17,229	183	16,907	139
Tonga	16,817	13	15,638	1,166
Monaco	16,793+	67	15,992	734+
Samoa	16,763	31	1,605	15,127
Marshall Islands	16,098+	17	16,079+	2-
Dominica	15,760	74	15,673	13
Djibouti	15,690	189	15,427	74
CAR	15,368	113	15,200	55
Gambia	12,626	372	12,189	65
Saint Martin	12,303	63	1,399	10,841
Vanuatu	12,019+	14	11,976	29+
Greenland	11,971	21	2,761	9,189
Yemen	11,945	2,159	9,124	662
Caribbean Netherlands	11,682	38	10,476	1,168
Sint Maarten	11,030	92	10,905	33
Niger	9,931	312	8,890	729
St. Vincent Grenadines	9,631	124	9,493	14
Guinea-Bissau	9,614	177	8,929	508
Comoros	9,109	161	8,939	9
Antigua and Barbuda	9,106	146	8,954	6
Liberia	8,090	295	7,783	12
Sierra Leone	7,762	126	N/A	N/A
Chad	7,701	194	4,874	2,633
British Virgin Islands	7,305	64	N/A	N/A
Cook Islands	7,120	2	7,106	12
Macao	6,800+	122	3,487	3,191+
Saint Kitts and Nevis	6,602	48	6,552	2
Turks and Caicos	6,588	38	6,529	21
Sao Tome and Principe	6,587	80	6,506	1
Palau	6,009	9	5,998	2
St. Barth	5,494	6	N/A	N/A
Nauru	5,393	1	5,347	45
Kiribati	5,029+	24	2,703	2,302+
Anguilla	3,904	12	3,879	13
Wallis and Futuna	3,508	7	438	3,063
Saint Pierre Miquelon	3,452	2	2,449	1,001
Tuvalu	2,805	0	0	2,805
Saint Helena	2,166	0	2	2,164
Montserrat	1,403	8	1,376	19
Niue	817+	0	808+	9
Tokelau	5	0	0	5
Total:	689,710,541	6,885,234	662,049,925	20,775,382

^{Countries with no active cases: 2}

Country	Cases	Deaths	Rcvrd
Falkland Islands	1,930	0	1,930
Vatican City	29	0	29
2 Total:	1,959	0	1,959

^{Countries with all cases rcvrd: 6}

Country	Cases	Deaths	Rcvrd
Cyprus	660,854	1,364	659,490
DPRK	4,772,813	74	4,772,739
Eritrea	10,189	103	10,086
Netherlands	8,610,372	22,992	8,587,380
Taiwan	10,239,998	19,005	10,220,993
Western Sahara	10	1	9
Total:	24,294,236	43,539	24,250,697

^{International Conveyances: 2}

Class	Cases	Deaths	Rcvrd
Diamond Princess	712	13	699
MS Zaandam	9	2	7
2 Total:	721	15	706

^{Countries/Territories who do not report Active or Recovery case numbers: 19}

Country/Territory		Total: 19
British Virgin Islands	Faeroe Islands	French Polynesia
Guadeloupe	Honduras	Iceland
Isle of Man	Laos	Martinique
Mayotte	Micronesia	Paraguay
Sierra Leone	Solomon Islands	St. Barth
Suriname	Tanzania	Tunisia
Turkey

Welcome to the Empire Powers Season XI Recap for the year 1518, where the events of this week (year) are rounded up into one place and summarized.
Previous recaps: 1500 1501 1502 1503 1504 1505 1506 1507 1508 1509 1510 1511 1512 1513 1514 1515 1516 1517

Map in January of 1518 Map in January of 1519

Major events

• Ottomans/Safavid/Georgia - War

The Safavid attempt to dislodge their Ottoman and Georgian occupiers.
They begin by defeating the Georgian at the Battle of Sarab and then chasing them to Tabriz, with a siege ensuing. The siege eventually develops into the Battle of the Plains of Tabriz, where Ottoman-Georgian armies face off against the Safavid in a chaotic and scattered confrontation. While Ismail Safavid is victorious, he is unable to take the city by the time the main Ottoman army arrives and is forced to retreat.
In Shirvan, the Georgians ally Hasan Sultan, the exiled Khan of Shaki. Combined, they are able to push back the Safavid forces under Durmish Khan Shamlu, but when the Georgians leave the region in order to relief Tabriz, the tide turns, and the Safavids are able to revert the gains.
Iraq is taken over by the Ottoman forces, with minimal resistance.
Two rebellions occur in the Ottoman Empire. The Ulema backed Şehzade Suleiman attempts to posit himself as the Sultan, but is massacred in battle. In Ottoman Syria, two Emirs claiming to have received the acceptance of Sultan Korkut for further Mamluk self-governance of the region begin a rebellion. They are able to occupy a considerable amount of the region.
Ulema rebellion Resolution post

• Italy - Peace

Austria and Venice sign a peace treaty. An alliance is agreed upon and Spain returns Venetian possessions in Naples.
Treaty of Terni

• England - Rebellion in Wales

Richard de la Pole attempts to put down the Welsh rebellion against him. He makes good progress, but is unable to force the rebels into a decisive battle.
Resolution post

• Wurttemberg - Peace

Peace in Wurttemberg is reached. Heinrich von Wurttemberg is made Duke of Wurttemberg and his son George heir, the Imperial Free City of Ulm and the Count Palatine are sold lands for their assistance, an alliance with Bavaria is made, the Teutonic Order is loaned the territory they occupied and the land taken by the Prince of Baden-Baden and Baden-Durlach are conjoined to their realms.
Peace of Tubingen

• Urbino/Mantua/Papal States - Trial of Cesena

A trial to investigate the death of Cesare de Montefeltro occurs. The trial is halted as the Gonzagas of Mantua are accused of a plot to invade the Papal States, and promptly arrested.
Trial

• HRE - Diet of Augsburg

The Diet of Augsburg is announced. Notably, the enfeoffment of the Duke of Wurttemberg and Count of Tubingen, the removal of Bohemia from the Reichsregiment and the examination of Martin Luther will occur.
Reichscloss Disputation Summons

Minor Events

• Spain/England - Betrothal

Carlos of Spain and the exiled Joan of England are betrothed.
Betrothal

• France/Norway - Alliance

France and Norway enter an alliance. Jacques Bourbon-Vendôme is to be wed to Lady Lucie Nilsdatter Gyldenløve.
Alliance

• Poland/Spain - Treaty of Innsbruck

Catherine of Aragon, sister of Queen Joanna, is betrothed to King Sigismund of Poland.
Treaty of Innsbruck

• Austria - Will

Emperor Maximilian prepares for his death.
Will

• Valois - Succession

Gian Giacomo Trivulzio dies. He is succeeded by his grandson Gian Francesco Trivulzio.
Succession

Retro Events

• 1517 - Sweden/Livonia/Poland/Muscovy - War of Malbork Aggression

The Malbork pact continues its invasion of Muscovy.
In the North, Swedish and Livonian forces attempt to further their gains. The Livonians are stopped at the Battles of Goroshin, whilst the Swedish are done in by the weather. Some gains are still made, however.
The Polish gather to fight the Muscovites in the south. This culminates in the Battle of Bryansk, won by the Polish.
Peace is reached the following year, with considerable territorial concessions from Muscovy.
Resolution post Treaty of Novgorod

• 1517 - Brunswick/Hanseatic League - Treaty of Stendal

Brunswick- Lüneburg and the Hanseatic League agree to a peace treaty, recognizing the authority of Brunswick-Lüneburg over the city of Brunswick.
Treaty of Stendal